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Knowledge is POWER.
Gender: F
Age: 19
State: Illinois
Country: U.S.A
Experience...
It`s hard for me to talk about it. I read some of the stories and with this girl who is 13 I have in comman with. I was also raped by my father. It all started when i was just a little girl. I was only 7yrs old. At that time I really didn`t know what rape was, all I knew was it hurt, and I was very scared. He told me if I told anyone he was going to kill me, so I didn`t. I kept it all bottled up, and thats when I started feeling like I should die, and I became very suicidal. When I was 15 thats when I was in my first institution. I didn`t like them so much because I missed my family alot. The last time I was in one I was 17. My father was sent to prison for 3yrs when I was 16. He`s out now walking free, and im still scared of him. I never got over it, and I don`t think I ever will. I haven`t been able to trust any guy`s ever since. I guess I belive they`ll do the same thing. [440]
Gender: F
Age: 27
State: Illinois
Country: USA
Experience...
It took five years for me to realize that I had been raped. Hard to believe isn`t it? Well, it`s true, and it took a complete breakdown and a visit to the pscyh ward of a hospital for me to realize that`s what happened. That`s not the primary reason I ended up in a "nut house" as I so lovingly call it, but maybe it played a part. Either way, I`ve had to learn to deal with it and why I let it take five years for me to realize that what happened to me was bad. I thought so lowly of myself for so long, I never accepted I was actually a victim. It was like this, I worked in a restaurant and went out a couple times with a guy that worked there. He was very attractive, and screamed, "bad boy" with every move he made. I knew he liked to party, his friends were complete druggy-club-goers, and girls absolutely fawned over him. In a word, I knew he was "bad," and at the complete dysfunctional time in my life I was in, he became irresistable. Basically, I had just gotten dumped by the "love of my life," for, well, being too afraid to tell my boyfriend I had had herpes in the past, until after we had had sex, because the guy who gave it to me, from oral sex, had dumped me for having gotten it (from him, I might add). So, in all, I was a wreck, and the fact that this new guy was interested in me, bad as he was, kept my spirits up, whether he was actually good for me or now. So, we went on a date one night, and though we`d made out once or twice before, ahd never gone in the direction of sex. I was fine with that because i didn`t want to have to face the "talk" issue with him. I kinda knew that he would run, like the others had, and didn`t want ot go through with it, even if I knew this wasn`t going to be a long-term relationship. Anyway, we went out to dinner one night, and came back to the restaurant at which we worked afterwards. He`s part-owner through his family, so took liberties with the place, and it`s wine cellar, which was kind of nice I have to say. So, we`d sometimes hang out there, with or without other people. Well, that night it was just us, and he suggested we go upstairs to the party-room up there (just a separate dining area). We did, and made out a bit upstairs. At some point, he took off my shirt, which that I was okay with, but then went for my pants. I told him I didn`t think it was such a great idea, if for no other reason than I was in a dining room, and didn`t like the idea of being naked in it, nor did I want to have to go near the sex thing with him right then. Well, he became very pushy and coerced me into taking them off. I felt pretty weird but decided that wasn`t such a big deal, i just wasn`t wearing clothes. I wasn`t doing anything else. Then, however, he pushed me down on top of a table. I say pushed, because literally, that what he did, but I can`t say I was actually fighting him. I went reluctantly, but still wanted to trust that this was all okay. When he started to try to take my underwear off though, i told him i wasn`t liking the idea so much. At this point, he told me "shh, it`s okay, it`s okay." I took inventory of where I was, looking around the room, and at the door way, and suddenly felt very trapped. He was lying on top of me at this point, and he wasn`t physically hurting me but I started to feel very trapped. I told him over and over, "I don`t think this is a good idea, I don`t think this is a good idea," but he kept telling me to shh. His voice was very calm and well, chipper. He was kind of smiling, not in a weird, scarry way like I`d imagine a rapist to act, but like he was having fun and thought I was too. I was not happy though, and just kind of froze. I was having a hard time thinking clearly, and went to nudge him off of me, trying to put my hands on his shoulders, at which point, he held my wrists down by my hands. I cringe at this thought, but I didn`t fight him. I totally gave in, trying to laugh at the situation. My friends all took sex very casually, and I didn`t have any real moral association with it or not. I wasn`t promiscuous, having only had sex twice, both times in relationships, but after the last time, was starting to think it didn`t mean much. So, i quit fighting and just layed there, letting him finish what he was gonna do so I could go home and just try to laugh it off as a crazy night. So, he pushed my legs apart and pushed himself inside me, did his thing, and was done. He stood up, kind of giggled, like we`d shared a joke or something, and said, "that was crazy, huh? Guess we should clean up and get out of here." I remember not saying anything, just collecting my clothes and getting dressed as quickly as possible and getting out the door to my car so I could go home. I didn`t want to think about what had just happened because, well, I felt like a total slut. I felt so dirty and ashamed of myself for letting sex become so trivial. I had gone out with this guy who I knew would be bad news, and let him just use me for a little fun, while I didn`t not have a good time at all. i was so disgusted with myself, and I kept asking why I didn`t try to fight him more. Why didn`t I push him or scrape him with my fingernails? I could have kneed him in the balls or pulled his hair or something, anything, rather than just to let that happen. But I also knew that he was a big guy and there was only one exit from that room and he was blocking me from it. And would I really have run outside without clothes on? It was a total dillema in my mind, and still is. Maybe I could have gotten away. Maybe I could have fought him. Maybe I could have kept that from happening.
Now, several years later, I know that, yes, I probably could have done many things to keep that from happening. I could have never gone out with this guy in the first place. I could have not gone into the restaurant with him. I could have gone home when he suggested going upstairs. I could have, yes, run out of the place, naked. I don`t know what would have happened because I didn`t do those things. I layed there and let it happen no matter how much I didn`t want to be there.
But, I also know that what happened happened. Rape is when one person has sex with someone else without there express or implied consent. I neither expressed consent and I did not imply it. Therefore, by definition, I was raped. Am I angry about it, resentful, blaming society, myself, him or others, well, yes, but it is what it is. I did not DESERVE to be raped. No one deserves it. And, like other bad situations, yeah, I might have made mistakes that put me in that position. But I did not commit the crime. This guy did. His name is Mark. Mark is the criminal, and I am not. Am I smarter now about who I go out with. Yep. Especially since I`m married now,,, heehee. (just kidding, I don`t date anyone other than my husband.. chilll.) But the point is I had to have someone say to me, look, you were raped. You didn`t do that to yourself, someone did that to you. You`re not dirty and you have nothing to be ashamed of. So, there you go. I`m not dirty and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Did I learn something? Yes. If I have a gut instinct telling me someone is bad news, I should probably not let myself be alone with them like that, and, I have got to have more respect for myself than to date bad dudes. But rape is rape. He`s the bad guy, not me. So, if I could tell anyone out there any words of advice who might have been in a similar situation, learn what you can from it, if you can take legal steps to keep it from happening to someone else, call the police, but take care of yourself most importantly. Do what you need to be healthy. Respect yourself. And understand that rape is a crime, and if you were raped, you`re a victim, NOT a criminal. Everyone can be in dumb places but if someone hurt you, then the blame belongs on that person, not you. [410]
Gender: F
Age: 13
State: 90023
Country: californa
Experience...
i got rape by my dad [364]
Gender: F
Age: 19
State: Gauteng
Country: South Africa
Experience...
I was working in a pub last year in december.
I was working over time, my boss made me drunk and then i had past out in his house. His name is Fritz.
He is 64.
He doesnt have a lisence for his place.
He works in Witbank by the river, cant remember where that place is, but all i know that its near the duva kragstasie.
The next morning i woke up i felt something was wrong with me and then i went to have a shower, then that afternoon im went home to my parents and i asked them questions about rape and then i knew that i was raped.
My father told me that im not going back there and then i didnīt go back
Now i live in pretoria with lovily people and i also work for them as a secretary.
So if there is a way how i can get him to jail please let me know,I donīt know what to do im confused until now.
[308]
Gender: F
Age: 48
State: MD
Country: USA
Experience...
Three years ago I was asaulted and raped. I underwent two knee surgeries to repair torn ligaments. I go to counseling to help with the anger and the feelings I have.
When I had my second surgery, I prayed and I looked up to God and said, What do you want me to do with this?" not why me? I am Catholic, and I have a strong upbringing. I faced adversity, I survived and God has a purpose for it all. The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact the perpetrator was never arrested, no trial, and he walked away Scott free. I just have overwhelming faith in God. I know one day this person will be addressed by the judicial system.
What I do today.......I did volunteer work....in the legal field, and advocacy...and I am interested in writing. I want to speak to the legislature one day, so they may toughen the laws in my state. I want to write a book, and I write poetry, and had some published.
Everyday is a constant struggle. You come to terms with the fact that injustice is prevalent in society. I can never accept the verdict,(no trial, arrest) because I know in my heart and what was in my mind, and what my feelings were that night I was raped. Myself and God know the truth.I had the most loving gentle boyfriend at the time.I know I was raped, and I don`t care what anyone thinks. I know the rapist is a monster, and a sociopath or psychopath. My faith in a higher being helps me get through this. [273]
Gender: F
Age: 30
State: Ohio
Country: USA
Experience...
I was raped almost 2 yesars ago. I was at a bar with my brother and my best friend. I ran into an acquaintance from high school. He was drunk. He asked for a ride home. I hadn`t drank but a couple of beers so I said sure as long as a ride is all you are looking for. I remember standing up to leave and walking out of my favorite bar but the rest is a blur. Not even a blur. I have no memory of what happened. I remember pulling up n front of my house. My roomate said I walked in him behind me and said he was sleeping on the couch. Apparantly he followed me up and my dog wouldn`t stop growling and barking at my door. The next morning I took him home feeling too stupid to say anything. When I got back home my roomate asked me how much I drank and I said apparantly a lot because I don`t remember anything. It was the 4th of July and my mom and brother came over to help me landscape. My roomate asked my brother how much I drank and he said only a couple of beers. I walked outside to join them and collapsed. I found out the next day I was given xtasy in one of my beers and left with 2 curable std`s. I will never remember exactly what happened, but I will spend the rest of my life with the few memeories I was left with form that night. I am daily working on not feeling like the victim and loving myself again. It is definitely an uphill battle but one that I know someday, somehow I will win. [224]
Gender: F
Age: 25
State: florida
Country: United States
Experience...
i was walking with my dog one friday afternoon when a man out of no where came up to me n strangled me and picked me up and dragged me to his car.The nxt.minute im coming in thru this apartment door and bein body slammed onto a bed. The guy put his hands on my hands soo i wouldnt move n he raped me. th nxt. day the cops find me and they take me home and hes serving 5 years in prision.this was a very awful experience and i wouldnt want anybody to go thru what i did soo when ur walkin somewhere dont be alone. [219]
Gender: F
Age: 19
Country: Trinidad
Experience...
well i was 10 at the time that it happened. i was foolishly lured by whom i suspect was somone in there late teens. i was brutally beaten due to my struggling and raped repeatedly. i was a `tom boy` at the time so i hid what happened as me, as getting into a fight at school. one day i planned to tell my mom about it but at the same time i heard her telling by brother (who just found out that the girl he was interested in was molested by her father) to leave her alone because she is "damaged goods". Recently i found out that i carry the herpes virus because of this attack and i had to tell by boyfriend (who had his first outbreak 3 weeks ago) that i was raped and that this is why we both have herpes today and forever. Well he didn`t take it too well, and i was subjected to the most emotional stress and torment in the longest while, but i stayed with him. he is still full of rage and hurt but adjusting to the situation a bit better now. i am so messed up mentally by keeping that secret for almost 10 years. THAT IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING SOMEONE CAN DO TO THEMSELVES. TALK TO SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUELY TRUST!!! I know that if i don`t talk to someone soon i will go crazy for real. i still hold on for hope that happiness will come my way for once, or that i can at least go in peace some day. i must keep hope cause it is all i have that keeps me going, and i must not loose it NO MATTER WHAT. [123]
Gender: F
Age: 20
State: CA
Country: LA
Experience...
Will I never been rap, BUT! I almost have and not once but (2) times. It is so hared for me to get over what happen to me. The frist time was when my own brother come to my room and want to get in to my bed. When I open my eyes and seen what my brother was doing to me! I got out of my bed as fast as I can and ran out of the house to one of my friends house. I ask him can I use his call (they didn`t have a phone). When he hand me the cell I called my bother girl; To tell her that I wanted to move out and live with my Father. She know then that it had to be some thing BIG because I never wanted to go back to Him. In the middil of my story, my brother called on her job other line. He told her that I ran out of the house. He didn`t Know WHY. When she came back to me she told me to stay at my frineds house, intell she got home. When she got home she told me that she was going to tack me but she never did. One day she said that she wanted to tell me samething. So, I set down.(Thaking that she was going ot tell me that that she wasn`t going ot tack me)All she said "Was to For Give and For Get! She just got up and want on her way. I just sat there and cryed. We nevre said anything eals about it. I don`t think at I can do the other one right now! It`s to hard for me. [61]
Gender: F
Age: 18
State: New York
Country: USA
Experience...
My biological mother was a crack addict, alcoholic, and prostitute. At the time she had four children and did not care about anything but her habit. She was willing to do ANYTHING to support her habit. Well, one day she took me and my older sisters to one of her drug addicts friends house. My mother was out of money and needed her crack. She allowed to grown men with the herpes virus to rape me. I was four years old at the time. She got her drug, and now I am stuck with herpes for the rest of my life. It hurts. I try not to feel sorry for myself but everytime I get an outbreak I think about it. [59]
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